did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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