so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
