my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
