i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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