too bad you live with your parents still
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
