My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
