so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
