why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
