I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
