i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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