I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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