to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
