I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
