having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We need to get me chipped asap
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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