whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
