you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
