maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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