....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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