How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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