The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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