Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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