I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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