I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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