dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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