I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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