how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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