I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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