Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
