just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
