He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
