Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
