I skipped work to stalk him.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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