My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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