You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
