eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
