wrigley field is MILF paradise
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
and you fell through a lawn chair
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
