everyone is single if you try hard enough
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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