haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
