ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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