Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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