A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
