Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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