Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
