Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
