he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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