Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
