Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
