Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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