There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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