Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
