She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
