Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
