guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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