According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
