So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
this beer tastes like vomit already
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
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You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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