apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
