Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
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You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?