I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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