She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
