I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
