The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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