eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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