i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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