i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
