I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
